Often a sentence is said or a statment is made that leads to frustration. Frustration as a “feeling” is of course okay. Likewise frustration can become a barrier if the feeling of it remains, if it is dealt with in silence and is later expressed in ways of anger. Anger then can become expressed in indirect ways such as gossip , withdrawl from work, dissatisfaction or loss of motivation. Anger can also be expressed in direct ways such as by making a statement very personal and likewise becoming very defensive or even insulting. Regardless of whether anger is internalized and indirectly or directly expressed, suppresing it and not being able to address what has been said and how one felt about it likely leads to another cascade of unsatisfying feelings and behaviours.
How can one statement create intensive feelings?
We might listen and understand an entire statement that has been made, but at the same time our brain creates a network of hidden messages that lie within each word said and therfore creates an automated desire for responses as another person speaks or writes. Because of that , a neutral statement made, can create an intensive emotional outburst (of coure not always) and therefore feelings of anger and frustration. A statement from a colleque that could be as basic as ” I saw you left home earlier yesterday” could be scandalous.
What do we base assumptions on and why?
Each of us is born and raised as an individual. That means that each of us learned to feel, to behave , to see, to react and to communicate differently. Because of that each brain is wired differently with different neuron-networks that manifast our knowledge and behaviours. This also means that each of us has different feelings and associations with specific words or “cues”. An example is that while someone has happy feelings related to home like “relaxing, cosy, loving, comfortable” someone else might have feelings such as “pressure, unhealthy relationships, colorless, sad”. Likewise, depending on the day, different associations might be made to home and the meaning given to it.
What causes overreaction? Because each of us has different experiences and different associations with a specific word, we can experience what has been said in different emotions. The statement ” I saw you left home earlier yesterday” could lead to a feeling of sadness or anger if the recevier of this message creats negative associations to each word. An example could be that this person needed to leave early in another job because of an emergency “at home” but was criticzed for that. Because of that this statement could re-create feelings of a situation in the past and therefore can cause distress and anger. Likewise another person might have had different or more positive experiences with “leaving early” or “home” and perceives the statement as neutral.
How can we reduce making assumptions?
- Listen carefuly to what has been said and think about what has been said exactly
- Think about how this statement made you feel.
- Then think about where these feelings are comming from.
- Are these feelings based on an experience in the past and if yes, how do they apply to the current situation?
- If you are unsure, you can also ask for clarifications and what is meant with a certain question or statement. This helps to see the others persons’ frame and intention can navigate away from previous made assumptions.
- Once it is clear what has been said, how your past might have framed you into thinking a specific way, its your time to respond (if you want to).
Is there such a thing as a proper response? There is no accurate way of responding and each response is context related. To me important is to understand your feelings and to communicate in such a way that it makes you feel most comfortable and the other person undertand;
- If a question or a statement made you feel uncomfortable you can say so. ” I left earlier for personal reasons and prefer not to talk about it.”
- You may explain why it made you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes this helps to create a mutual understanding. “I feel uncomfortable talking about it, because in the past I left earlier for work for an emergency and I got criticzed for it. I am worried it happens again.”
- You may also ask for clarifications “Why did you ask me that? What exactly do you mean with that statement or question?”
- You may also respond freely and express yourself how this question made you feel like ” I left home earlier because my brother needed help. Your question makes me feel …., because ……”
Emotions, assumptions and sustainability?
It is very easy to make assumptions or believe to “know something” based on past experiences (that’s quite natural to human survival), but sometimes we don’t know for sure and because of that engage in unhealthy beahviours. Again, that could be overconsumption, quitting a job or ending a relationship for the wrong reasons, being sad about something for weeks etc. . To understand and to address what we feel and why, can ultimately help us change a situation and create a new frame to benefit from.